“I’m not okay” Finally, I admit it.

“One of the hardest and truest things a grown-up learns is that sometimes it’s not okay.” ~ Christopher Buehlman

I’m not okay, in the middle of Covid-19 pandemic, and while I am still battling with my quarter-life crisis moment. I can’t tell you the details… But, I had enough of fooling and lying to myself by pretending that I’m alright. Because the fact is, I’m not.

I feel like I’m a piece of glass. The fragile one that may break anytime.

“And it’s okay. It’s okay if I’m not okay. It’s okay to cry,” I repeat those words a thousand times these days. Sometimes heroes in the movies cry too. So why can’t I?

I can’t always pretend to be strong so that people won’t doubt my capabilities. I know that crying is not inhuman. I accept my destiny to be born as a human, and a human has feelings. That emotion is not a weakness but a strength.

As we live our life, we “should be” ready for a bunch of surprises. Sometimes surprises come to us in bad shapes, while other times can be unforgettable gifts and full of happiness. Sometimes we feel trapped in the situation, but then we feel that situation is the best for us.

However, despite all of that, I learned that to experience a bad situation is a privilege as well. To find the bad or wrongness and become a better person is a privilege. To witness people around you make mistakes and learn from it is a privilege. God chose me to experience all of these because He knew I could face it, and it will be fine at last.

There are five stages of grief from Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. First is denial, and then anger, after that comes bargaining, the fourth is depression, and at last comes acceptance. Maybe I’m on stage three right now because that is what my mental state needs right now. So I am enjoying this feeling and I won’t avoid it. Let this feeling fill me for a moment.

I feel by accepting this ‘not okay’ feeling, we let ourselves take a deep breath. We let ourselves look for help. We let ourselves have a deep talk with our hearts to find the solution to our problem. We permit ourselves to heal. Eventually, the time will come for us to say “we’ll be fine.”

If we still think we are not okay for now, remember we are still alive. So, “we’ll be fine” will come to you in the upcoming chapter of life. Those words may come to us like a spell, like broken records, again and again to convince us that everything will be okay at last. Like a prayer, oath and hope from us to us.

So for now, let me admit that “I’m not okay.”

I believe in myself that I will get better someday. And change from “I will be fine” to “I’m feeling fine now.”





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